(not a g rating)
Things went very haywire today (yesterday). I nearly attempted suicide. Because of mental healthcare law in this country, I could not seek help. If I were allowed to state things sounding like suicide threats, I would have been safe. Damn Socialism. Lol I come closer to suicide than I have in months and it's politically relevant.
As the post below specifies, I only found one person I felt safe sending it to. I didn't actually ever wind up posting it on Facebook OR sending it in a message to someone. Even the woman I referenced sending it to reacted as though I should be hospitalized when I told her what I nearly posted.
I think the post says most of what I have to say. Just think of it as though it were written like the above, in just as calm a tone-- because I could reiterate everything in it like I'm writing now; but then I'd just be repeating myself. It is how I feel, and I really would consider rhyming or writing/speaking in eloquent sentences if it weren't for Socialism and the insistence on "Simplicity is Sanity."
If you are below 15, you most likely shouldn't read this, and if you are below 125, maybe you shouldn't then either. Reader caution is advised. It's just an example of how *not* free our speech is today, hence I sought out Internet Anonymity instead of sending this to my own family. I will say in advance, it is not a suicide threat. Not exactly.
I am going insane with fear.... disability check could be cut in 7 days if I don't fill out paperwork that is with my parents, and I don't even know when I'll be getting it............... OKAY, ANYBODY WHO GIVES AN F*** ABOUT ME, THINGS ARE NOT OKAY THE WAY THEY ARE. I DELETE LONGER POSTS ABOUT HOW WRONG THINGS ARE AD NAUSEUM ON BEHALF OF OTHER PEOPLE'S UNDERSTANDING OF SOCIAL ETIQUETTE AND SUCH-- BUT ON THIS ONE, FUCK THAT-- I WENT TO BED WITH MY KITCHEN KNIFE A MINUTE AGO, AND IT DIDN'T CUT TERRIBLY WELL. I DO NOT CALL THAT ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, BUT I PROBABLY WOULD IF WENT THROUGH BRAINWASHING AGAIN AT ANOTHER MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY TO CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. THE ARGUMENT COULD BE MADE. I WOULD NOT BE POSTING THIS OR THE OTHER POST I DELETED BUT I AM NOT OKAY AND FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO ONE TO TURN TO.... AND LIKE IF I DON'T "LASH OUT" OR TELL PEOPLE WHAT'S UP, I COULD BE DEAD.... BECAUSE I KNOW THE SCISSORS CUT. THIS IS NOT A SUICIDE THREAT, AND I AM NOT SUICIDAL. BUT I AM HEADED IN THAT DIRECTION. I COULD LOSE DISABILITY IF I DO NOT FINISH PAPERWORK FOR IT IN THE NEXT 7 DAYS, WHICH MY PARENTS HAVE THE PAPERWORK AND I DON'T REALLY HAVE AN IDEA OF WHEN IT WILL REACH ME, EXCEPT THAT AT THE LEAST IT WILL NOT BE MAILED TODAY.... WHY THEY COULDN'T HAVE MAILED IT TO ME IDK, BUT THERE'S THIS CONTROL THING I ACTUALLY BEAT THIS TIME IS THE IRONY, WHERE THEY HAVE WANTED TO MICRO-MANAGE ME IN THE PAST REPEATEDLY. NOW, MY MOM CALLS THIS PUBLIC HUMILIATION, AND WANTS ME NOT TO DO IT, BUT WHEN I COME THAT CLOSE TO ENDING MY LIFE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT ANYONE WANTS ANYMORE, WHICH, I DID NOT TRY, I WAS JUST IDEALIZING..... FOR TRYING TO GET HELP I WILL PROBABLY BE HOSPITALIZED, WHICH IS IRONICALLY HOW ALL THIS STARTED-- BACK IN 2007-2008, IT'S TOO DIFFICULT TO TALK ABOUT, BUT MAYBE, FOR LOVED ONES ON MY FACEBOOK, SHUTTING ME UP ABOUT IT WHEN I STILL COULD TALK ABOUT IT WASN'T THE BRIGHTEST IDEA ON EARTH. DO IT IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN, YOU CAN JUSTIFY IT IN THE END. I AM NOT, AND HARDLY EVER HAVE BEEN OKAY. I CAN'T TALK ABOUT HALF THE THINGS THAT ARE BOTHERING ME ANYMORE, BECAUSE A WHOLE LOT OF THEM ARE BOTTLED UP SO DEEP INSIDE FROM ABUSE FROM OTHER PEOPLE- FUCK YOU IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE TERM, IT'S LIKE TAKING A SOLDIER FROM A RED ZONE AND SHUNNING HIM FOR IT AND TELLING HIM... LIKE THEY DID TO SOLDIERS OF VIETNAM, MAKING THEM HIDE, THINGS THAT WERE DIFFICULT TO TALK ABOUT BECOME INCREDIBLY SO SOMETIMES EVEN TO MODERN DAY. SO FUCK IT IF THIS IS TOO LONG. NOT JUST ONE PERSON SAYING THAT. I AM FINALLY STARTING TO WIN WITH THE CONFLICTS IN MY LIFE, BUT I JUST BEAT MYSELF IN THE FACE AND HEAD AND SUBSEQUENTLY FELL ON THE GROUND CRYING TWICE IN A ROW, NEARLY, LIKE THE TEARS WOULD ONLY COME WHEN I BEAT MYSELF... AND THEN I GOT A KNIFE, NOT LIKE A CONSCIOUS THOUGHT, A PAIRING KNIFE, AND WENT TO MY BED TO LIE DOWN WITH IT, NO CLEAR IDEA OF WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO WITH IT........ A N*GGER CAN'T BE FREE (AND I KNOW I'M NOT BLACK, JUST IDENTIFY) WITH THESE FUCKING STRUGGLES IN THIS COUNTRY NOT BEING RESOLVED. X NO MORE MENTAL HEALTHCARE X.... IT'S LIKE THIS... I'M MOST LIKELY GOING TO BE OKAY AFTER I POST THIS-- I'LL SEND IT TO SOMEONE ELSE TO AVOID GOING THROUGH MY WORST NIGHTMARE AGAIN, WHICH IS IN ESSENCE CONTROL, FOR I HAVE A LOVE OF FREEDOM THAT GREATLY EXCELS THAT OF LIFE, IF YOU NEEDED PROOF I CAN BARELY CLING ON THROUGH THIS ANYMORE AND ENDING MY LIFE TO SAVE MY FREEDOM MAKES SENSE TO ME, A WHOLE LOT OF IT.... SO FUCK! I JUST ABOUT ENDED MY LIFE OVER THIS.... I SORT-OF-TRIED, BUT NOT REALLY, I WAS TESTING AND MY PAIRING KNIFE ISN'T SHARP AT ALL... I'M POSTING THIS OR SENDING IT TO SOMEONE LARGELY SO I CAN FEEL LIKE I EXPRESSED MYSELF AND NOT FEEL THE NEED TO END IT ALL ANYMORE.... I CAN'T HANDLE WHAT HAPPENED IN 2008, I CAN'T HANDLE THE STRUGGLE WITH MY PARENTS OF 2007, I CAN'T HANDLE [specific mental healthcare facility omitted], A N*GGER JUST WANTS TO BE FREE, FUCK WHITE ARISTOCRACY, FUCK WHITE ARISTOCRACY, FUCK THE ARISTOCRACY, NO RULING CLASS= AMERICA, RULING CLASS= TYRANNY, FUCK THE ARISTOCRACY, DOING MY LITTLE BIT OF RHYMING BEFORE QUITTING TO DO SOME RATIONALIZING FOR THE THERAPIZING SYSTEMS OF BRAIN WASHING KNOWN AS MENTAL HEALTHCARE LEST I GET SCARED WHEN THEY TEAR ME AWAY AND SWEAR I'M INSANE CAUSE I RHYME AND YOU KNOW I AM SCARED TO, AND I OUGHT TO BE FREE TO, BUT THAT'S NOT THE WAY THEY DO, THE ARISTOCRACY... CREATIVITY AND ART BEING PENALIZED IN 1984, BE IT REMEMBERED.... I'M JUST NEEDING SOMOEN TO TALK TO... SOMEONE TO TELL ME I CAN BE ALONE, AND THAT IT'S ALL RIGHT IF I JUST ENJOY MYSELF, THAT I DON'T HAVE TO STRESS OVER STUFF THAT'S NOT RELEVANT TODAY... MY PARENTS HAVE THAT EFFECT ON ME.... OKAY, MY CHANCES OF DEATH ARE HIGH IF I DO NOTHING, BUT MY CHANCES OF HOSPITALIZATION ARE HIGH AS HELL IF I JUST POST THIS... MAYBE THEY'RE HIGHER IF I SEND IT... FUCK EVERYONE WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH LONGEVITY, AND EVERYONE WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH LONGWIDEDNESS HAS A PROBLEM WITH LONGEVITY, LONGWINDEDNESS IS WHY PEOPLE DON'T ENGAGE IN WARS, PERSONAL, PUBLIC OR MILITARY, BECAUSE THEY GOT IT OUT.... NOW CALL IT WHAT YOU WANNA CALL IT, HOW MY PARENTS HAVE TREATED ME ALL MY LIFE HAS NOT BEEN, IS NOT, AND- LOL- PROBABLY NEVER WILL BE OKAY. IRONICALLY I AM FINALLY ON TOP OF THAT TODAY. I CONVINCED MY DAD TO SEND ME THE LETTER RATHER THAN "MANAGE" ME ON IT, QUOTES JUST TO EMPHASIZE I'M RATIONAL LEST IT BE TAKEN AS A CRIME, FUCK YOU IF YOU'RE THE REASON THIS PUTS ME IN A BIND, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE INSANE, FUCK YOU I HOPE YOU MEET YOUR BANE, AND IF THE THOUGHT POLICE COME FOR YOU, I HOPE THEY HAVE MERCY ON YOU-- HAHA FUCK THAT, I',M NOT THAT CLICHE, I HOPE THEY DESTROY YOU.... SO WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE, IF I POST THIS, WHICH FOR MY PSYCHOLOGICAL HEALTH AND MAYBE LONGEVITY I NEED TO, I WILL PROBABLY READ THIS AS a) BEING EVIDENCE OF HORRIBLE MENTAL ILLNESS OR B) AN UNSIGHTLY SITE FOR HOW OTHERS WOULD HAVE SEEN ME-- AND THE DIFFERENCE IS WHETHER OR NOT I'M BRAINWASHED INTO UNDERSTANDING HOW MANY PROBLEMS I HAVE.... FUCK, THEY COULD UP MY MEDICINE IF I POST THIS... WASN'T THAT LONG AGO I WAS SUFFERING SUICIDAL IDEATION EVERY TIME I JUST GOT TIRED BECAUSE OF THE MEDICINE, BEFORE THEY REDUCED IT..... I KNOW SOMEONE IS LIKELY TO TELL ME "I DIDN'T READ ALL OF IT" BECAUSE WE LIVE IN AN ILLITERATE AMERICA, BUT THERE IS EXACTLY ONE PERSON I THINK WILL HANDLE THIS RIGHT.... I WAS GOING TO SEND THIS TO MY COUSIN, BUT [my significant other-- name omitted for sake of better anonymity], I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW.... I THINK YOU WILL UNDERSTAND.... AND YOUR BIRTHDAY'S [soon, how soon omitted], ONCE YOU TOLD ME ALL YOU WANTED WAS FOR ME TO BE OKAY, WELL HOPEFULLY THAT'S A GIFT [word omitted]... CAUSE THE GIFT I WANT TO GIVE [on your birthday] IS ANOTHER PROMISE, AND PROMISES I'M NOT GOOD AT KEEPING... BABY WE BELONG TOGETHER, AND THE FACT THAT THE ONLY PERSON I FELT I COULD SEND THIS TO ON MY WHOLE FB WAS YOU IS WHY.... CALL IT AN EARLY BIRTHDAY GIFT, BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE I'M SCARED WOULD JUST TAKE ME AS SICK, CALL ME WHEN YOU GET THIS.... YOU UNDERSTAND, I THINK
Never quite finished, but still on my clipboard. Please note the frantic writing at the beginning going back and forth between whether or not I was actually suicidal/ had made a suicide attempt. As the post I never posted indicates, I was scared of being hospitalized if I said I had attempted suicide or sounded like I was saying I intended to commit suicide. I don't know, but I don't think the Law would have sided with me as was.
In clarity now, I do believe I did attempt suicide. It is scary, but I might be dead if I had had a pairing knife that would cut. But everything isn't black or white. When I rubbed my wrist with the sharper part of the blade, I stopped-- I can't stand sawing though. I'm glad I didn't start with the scissors. But it would have been impossible to tell people that in my waking life, because "help" would have been obligatory and I would have been worse. Whereas now I am fine, and in a better position to tackle my problems, much calmed down. (I did a striptease afterward, and I felt a lot better. Supposedly social media and strip-teasing alike make us feel worse about ourselves, but while I hate old sayings, "All things in moderation" describes it perfectly. Stripping was great! I came, someone else came, and I felt fine afterward. Stripping, lol, was partially responsible for saving my life ;) .)
And yes, I really am at risk of losing my means to survival-- "what happened in 2007-2008" really having a whole lot to do, ironically, with why I need it in the first place. F*ck Socialism. In this mutual Dawn and Twilight of my being free, I would never need the help the government is threatening to take away over the course of 10 days (does anybody else not check their mail every day in the first place? I mean, okay, so I'm at fault, I'm at fault, I'm at fault, and maybe that makes me an awful person, but an awful person doesn't deserve to lose their livelihood if they don't have to ;)... and all I did was not change my mailing address on time-- Dad made a big deal out of how the government "would like nothing better than to take your check away," or something very close to that-- and he's the one who forced me on it, directly speaking, after which, for psychological struggle diagnosed by a doctor, I could not work anymore in reality.)
What I said up there I meant by the way. Freedom is freedom-- tbh, I think I gave way too much about myself away in this post. I turned on my VPN, and will be in the future. I am so tired. I should not be awake right now. I have had some good sleep though.
But it is better to die on your feet than live on your knees, and I am fighting to live on my feet. And it's better to die free than live a slave, and I'd rather die free than go back to the slavery of the mental healthcare system-- imagine! I'm nearer drug-freedom than I have been since eighth grade.... now what of greater drug slavery? I hate drugs! Blast the shit!
Technically if anyone I know figures out who I am online... lol kaboosh! I'm in trouble.
But for the record.... you have no idea how many times I've heard something like, "You feel better because you're here/ because we helped you" or something similar. Hell, I want to say, just this once, "I saved my own god-damn mother-fucking life, I wasn't okay because of you, like usual, but now I'm fine because I helped myself and I would have been anyway and your mental hospital isn't why I'm okay-- because I never freaking went lmao." (I was okay partly because someone liked my panties xD.)
(Stripping and gaming are better for the psyche than thought control in a detention center/ mental hospital).
Please note, this did not make all my problems disappear. Mental hospitals do not make problems disappear anymore than having some downtime to strip and or game. If I sound like a bunny rabbit, I kind of am... bunnies do not need to be confined in cages, it's easily observed and probably a scientific fact that, regardless of safety, they are far happier hopping around in open spaces. :) (like the Internet)
Thank you so much for reading. I am going to bed now... again... a good night's sleep does wonders *outside* of a mental hospital too, doesn't it? Well, well, well, looks like One Flew Over the Cuckoos' Nest tonight! Rock on, Shellaine, you go girl! lolol
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